"Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

Some of you may or may not know that I am the ultimate attraction for mosquitoes.

Seriously. They flock to me as soon as they get the chance. It wouldn't be too irritating if it wasn't for the fact that I have really bad reactions to mosquito bites. The kind of reactions where my entire body part will swell up three times its normal size.

My mom says that I have the kind of skin that just naturally attracts mosquitoes - perhaps I give off some sort of odor that is pleasing to them, or that my skin type is the mosquito ideal, being thin or something. I can't say that my mom is wrong about this, because I remember a certain incident back when I was about 11. To make a long story short, I was sleeping in a room with about 25 other kids and 5 adults and I was the ONLY PERSON IN THE ROOM to get completely attacked by the mosquitoes.

Plus, I have literally tried every anti-mosquito product on the market - and the only thing that works (most of the time) is that Avon Skin-So-Soft product. (It did not work for me that time I went to Tunisia in the summer with a bunch of Frenchies - there were 3 of us in the hotel room and of course, I was the only one to have been eaten alive by the damn mosquitoes).

Anyway, this summer it hasn't been quite warm enough for the mosquitoes to head over to our apartment - usually in the summer, being that our apartment is on the last floor and we have a sleeping mezzanine that is right underneath the roof, the H insists on opening the ceiling windows and regular windows as well. Usually I buy some sort of plug-in mosquito repellent (which usually works) but this summer, I haven't been able to find any refills ANYWHERE, let alone a starter pack (with the plug included) so my only defense has been that one tube of Skin-So-Soft that my mom brought for me.

Well, imagine my surprise last night when I heard a high pitched "Bzzzzzzz" around my face! Actually, it was about 4:30 a.m. and I had just fallen asleep (I suffer from insomnia) and I distinctly remember that I had been dozing off into a dream when I decided to scratch my left cheek. I thought "Hmmm, that's weird, I have a bump on my face that itches." Then that high pitched buzz came again and I immediately shot up straight in bed, realizing that horror of horrors - there was a mosquito in the room! I immediately reached for the tube of Skin So Soft by the bed, and while I was trying to squeeze a huge amount onto my hand, I could hear and feel the mosquito buzzing around me, and every so often, it grazed my arm, whereupon I let out a series of shrieks while waving my arms around like a crazy person. The H woke up and was all "What is going on? What's the matter with you?" and I explained that it was a mosquito. (He didn't say anything, just turned around and went back to sleep).

I was really quite surprised as none of the windows were even open and while it had been a nice day, it wasn't THAT warm. The last time a mosquito woke me up in my sleep was the night before the wedding - upon which I ended up with two giant mosquito bites on my forehead and I had to mildly photoshop said forehead in all the close-up wedding pictures.

Anyway, I calmed down somewhat once I put all that Skin So Soft on my face, neck, and arms, but every so often I would get an itch on my legs - which ended up making me extremely paranoid, so at around 5:30 a.m. I smeared Skin So Soft on my legs as well. But I still never really fell asleep until around 6:30 a.m. because I kept hearing that irritiating "Bzzzzzz! Bzz! Bzzzzz! Bzz! Bzzz!" and I kept thinking to myself, "Motherfucker! Damn mosquitoes! They're vampires!!!"

I am also sad to report that besides that bite on my left cheek, I've got another one on my neck, and two on my right shoulder - and my shoulder has already started to swell up. I am also very sad to say that I have tried every mosquito bite cream on the market in several countries, and the only one that has vaguely worked was some cream that came from Italy - of which I have no more, either.