Lack of motivation

Arrrggghh!

What is it about working at home that makes me want to procrastinate like crazy?

I am faced with massive indecision re: my portfolio. I cannot decide which direction to go. I have great ideas, but all requiring massive execution and just do not feel like doing it. Would rather spend all day doing useless things like Facebooking.

Though, re: portfolio, I am also completely unsure of exactly how to go about it all. Luckily I have a meeting with my former professor tomorrow afternoon, but fear she might not like my ideas (mostly in that a) do not want to do full figures with complete outfits; i.e. jacket, shirt, skirt, shoes); and b) do not want to do flat sketches (loathe flats!) I much prefer just drawing each individual piece of clothing on my girls and then omitting the rest. Then again, this is probably due from when I used to work, hardly anyone ever spent their time doing complete head to toe outfits.

I wonder if this is not all due to the fact that whilst in my depressive funk, I merely got comfortable. Not happy, mind you, nor even satisfied - believe you me, was quite unsatisfied with direction of life - but eventually was just comfortable where I was. Like, comfortable with my dissatisfaction. I wonder if this is what typically happens to French people - knowing that so many factors and decisions in your life are so not in your own control, but rather in control of nasty fonctionnaires, cruel HR people, and whether or not your contacts are feeling inclined to "pistonne" you. I mean, I look at the H, who is obviously not happy with his career but is also comfortable because it is all familiar and also because there is not much that is in his control. Luckily I have managed to convince him that change and adventure are most excellent things in life that one should welcome with open arms. Except that I may have been overzealous because he is wondering why, since I have been home for exactly one week, I have still not found a job yet.

Anyway, it's not like I haven't done anything. I have resketched some of my stuff (as had ripped all pages out of last portfolio in fit of rage after having been rejected by all-important luxury conglomerate group, which was quite unfortunate as portfolio was in pretty notebook) and I am waiting for a size 4 dress form to free up from a particular website so's that I can take pictures and start draping - perhaps will get the creative juices flowing more if I can drape. Have also halfway completed a cute skirt which shall go into portfolio as well. However, the massive indecision attacks I am having have further prevented me from continuing on and would rather not start flat sketches. (I really despise flats, as flats in general and as a whole are boxy, rigid, full of rules, and demand precision and mad skillz with an array of rulers).

Hmmm. Well, hopefully will have a clearer picture after tomorrow. Just wish the H would lay off a little bit, though he is right, I am lacking motivation. It is just really hard to suddenly re-adapt to the U.S., in manner of "I can achieve ANYTHING I want!" when am so used now to being completely bogged down by opposite school of thought (i.e. "You will get nowhere in life and career because you are not a famous daughter of VIP").

Bugger!