Let The Panic Begin

I like my MIL. Really, I do. She is a good person, has a kind heart, and goes out of her way to bake me gluten-free treats like cakes and cookies.

But despite all this, I just cannot take going to the in-laws every weekend. It always turns into one giant stress-fest.

My MIL like to panic about things. I get the distinct impression that she needs to panic about something, anything. I guess it gives her something to do?

The last time we went to the in-laws for the weekend, I walked into the kitchen in the morning to get coffee only to find MIL seated with the H at the kitchen table. MIL was saying, "We have to find a way for you to have health insurance coverage from Frane, and which will cover you in the U.S. Did you know that 64 million people don't have health insurance in America? And you know, you can't even go to the emergency room to be treated because they have to call your insurance before they treat you in the ER to make sure they will cover you. Otherwise, they are not allowed to treat you! I mean, god forbid you have to go to the ER! You could die while they are waiting for approval from the insurance company! And if you don't have insurance they won't treat you AT ALL!!!!!!!" I decided at this point to have my coffee in the living room.

At lunchtime, MIL said, "You know, all this technology is just so bad. I mean, they say that cell phones give you cancer! And can you imagine what Wi-Fi internet waves do? I mean, they can kill you ten times worse than cell phones! You young people really should not be using wireless internet at all, and you all really need to be careful about cell phone use." To which I replied, "Okay, first of all, we are all going to die at some point. It could be tomorrow, it could be in 50 years. It could be from cancer, or it could be just from crossing the street. You can't pick where, how, and when you are going to die, so why should anyone deprive themselves of anything? I say live life to the fullest and don't worry about dying. In any case, when your time comes, your time comes, and you don't really have a say in the matter. Besides, no one knows anything yet about wi-fi internet or cell phone cancer cells, so I don't think anyone should spend their time worrying about things like that."

MIL got very upset. "This is not the way you should be thinking," she lectured me. "You should take precautions to take care of yourself. I mean, you are very morbid with your thinking that everyone is going to die someday, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't take care of yourself. I mean, really, I am just SHOCKED by your MORBID thinking. You think it's fine to die, but what about your loved ones? Imagine you should die tomorrow, what would happen to my son? What if you had children and you died when they were young? Don't you think it's selfish to deprive your loved ones of your presence? You should be thinking about how to PROLONG your life for the sake of your family. You should WANT to live to be as old as possible. You should NOT be thinking that you will die someday!"

"Well," I said calmly (as MIL had worked herself up into quite a state), "It's not like I really have a choice..." "But YOU DO!!" screeched MIL. "Don't you see? You need to limit your internet and cell phone use!" "Whatever," I said dismissively. "I am not going to deny myself the pleasures in life. And I do not want to live to be 125 years old. I should think I would be very tired and I hope that my children would be mature enough to take care of themselves by then. When my time comes, I'm not going to argue about it. Death is a natural part of living." I figured the subject was finished, but that didn't stop MIL from muttering about how wrong and morbid and selfish I was throughout the rest of lunch.

After lunch, MIL went back to worrying about the health insurance issue. She told her son, "Make sure you get a webcam when you are in America, so I can see for myself that you are alive and well. I mean, what if you get into an accident and you have to go to the ER? They won't treat you because your insurance might not accept the treatment, and then you will die! Oh my god, I can't bear the thought of it! You know, those Americans are such barbarians. Did you know you can get vitamins over the counter WITHOUT A PRESCRIPTION? I mean, so many people die every year because they diagnose themselves and BUY VITAMINS and they overdose on them and kill themselves! Did you know that 64 million Americans don't even have basic health insurance from the government? I mean, this is a country where their government doesn't even CARE ABOUT ITS OWN CITIZENS! They don't provide even the most basic, necessary services like welfare and unemployment, let alone HEALTH CARE. Parisian NewYorker says people order food from restaurants to be delivered to their apartments! Talk about barbaric! You make sure you do not let her order food every night. Eating food from restaurants is really bad for you - you could die from eating too much restaurant food and not enough home cooking...that's why everyone is so fat in America..."

Ironically enough though, the H tells me she has been hard-core pushing the idea of 18 year old SIL and her boyfriend coming to stay with us for the summer once we move to New York. It's really funny all of sudden, it has become quite an advantage to have a barbaric American in the family. Now the two 18 year olds can visit another country for the first time in their lives and have some international exposure - I am loving how the MIL spends the day explaining all the barbaric aspects of America, with its population of morbidly fat, stupid non-French speaking people neglected by their own government, yet it is the epicenter of culture and learning and a great place for her daughter to spend an entire summer.

Of course, now the MIL is panicking about the youngsters getting their passports.