Your Guide to the French Presidential Candidates

As most of you probably know, the French presidential elections are coming up! These last couple of months, the whole city is abuzz about this subject! It just seems so cool and almost heartwarming that even on the bus, you can hear people wildly debating the merits of Sarko vs. Ségo! (Word on the street is that Sarko = scary and Ségo = pretty but stupid). Here is my guide to the 2007 French Elections - who would you vote for?

Nicolas Sarkozy: Right-wing candidate commonly referred to as "Sarko". Wants to be president more than anything in the world! Would assassinate his mom if it meant he would be president. Thinks his smile is friendly and humble, but is actually scary and threatening. However, he is unbeatable when it comes to debates - he is always prepared with excellent answers to the toughest questions. Criticized for his handling of the Paris suburb riots last year, despised by illegal immigrants everywhere for his harsh stance on immigration. Previously dated Jacques Chirac's daughter Claude, even though he was married at the time. Showed up in NYC for 9/11 ceremonies; bestowed French medals of honor or whatever to firefighters, went jogging in Central Park with French camera crews, and gave a bunch of speeches, claiming that France loves all things American. (Nice try, but we all know that France does not heart America!) Met with President Bush, where the two-faced social climber dissed Chirac for having not supported the American invasion of Iraq - on return to France, went around telling everyone that Chirac did good by not joining the invasion. Here's an excellent article about him in the UK's Independent.
Conclusion: Sarko = creepy man-whore with Napoleon Complex.

Ségolène Royal: Representing the Socialist party, "Ségo" is the first female presidential candidate with a real chance of winning! She is pacsed to François Hollande, leader of the Socialist party, and has 4 children. Was photographed by the paparazzi on a beach this summer in a bikini, which confirmed her status as the hottest female politician today. Typical answers to questions include "You are asking me this question because I am a woman! Would you ask a man this question?" and "My opinion is that of the French people". Excellent at playing the victim. No experience whatsoever in foreign policy (had several embarrassing episodes on her world tour). Questionable fashion sense has notably improved and is now often decked out in Chanel-type suits. Check out this article about her on Wikipedia for more info.
Conclusion: Under normal circumstances, the formula of (Working Mom + Victim) x (Hottie + Chanel suits) = President. Too bad she's incapable of leading a country.

François Bayrou: The French Ralph Nader, except that he has an actual chance of winning. The Centrist candidate is seen as a viable alternative to Sarko and Ségo, and the most recent polls have him neck-in-neck with Miz Ségo. Likes to spend time riding around on his tractor. Often referred to these days as "The Third Man". According to the NY Times, speaks excellent English (a relative on his wife's side of the family is married to an American). No clue on what his platform is, because he's so boring that I lose interest in a matter of minutes. Have constant impression that he is going to fall asleep any second, or that he would much rather be somewhere else (on his tractor, maybe?) Here's an article about him.
Conclusion: The only real alternative to those 2 losers, and in all fairness, might actually make a really good president; admittedly seems like an honest politician, plus has no involvement in any scandals. BUT: No Personality = Big Yawn.

Some other candidates:

Jean-Marie Le Pen: In a suprising turn of events, this far-right candidate somehow advanced to the second round, where he faced off against Jacques Chirac. Infamous for his racism and known to be a closeted Holocaust denier. He thinks he can fool everyone by putting up posters of himself hanging out with black people! Well, he maybe tricked everyone into voting for him 5 years ago, but he's not fooling me! Click here for a New York Times article about the 78 year old xenophobe, and here for this recent article that mentions his racism in the Washington Post.
Conclusion: This wildcard has secret admirers! People really vote for him! Not cool!

Olivier Besancenot: A mailman who represents the extreme left party, the Revolutionary Communist League. He works a mail route in the chic Paris suburb of Neuilly-sur-Seine (if Paris were Manhattan, the Neuilly would be the Upper East Side). Advantage of being a mailman is that he can interact with the voters on his route and maybe even slip a few fliers into people's mailboxes. Don't think it will make a difference, though.
Conclusion: Seriously, who is going to vote for someone who represents some sort of militant communist party?

Some Guy Who Sold His House To Finance His Election: I don't remember his name, and I'm not sure he's even got the 500 signatures, or if he's still in the running.
Conclusion: That was a really risky move.

José Bové: Some sort of Leftist candidate who is all about anti-globalization. Often in the news for speaking out against stuff like genetically modified meat and vegetables. I think he was even in jail for awhile. Always dressed in farmer's clothes. Looks like he could use a nice hot shower and a shave. Not sure that he has all necessary signatures.
Conclusion: Hello! Genetically modified corn is the last concern on everyone's mind!

Miscellaneous people:

Jacques Chirac: The Sarkozy-hater has announced his retirement from politics, so he will not be seeking a third term. (After 12 years in office, it's time to give those other losers a chance!) Probably will not go down in history as the Best President Ever! (what with the Clearstream scandal and all) but possesses quite a bit of charm and charisma. He likes to flirt with the ladies at those head-of-state meetings and he totally kisses their hands and everything - a much more appropriate gesture than Bush's bear hugs.
Conclusion: Gives impression that in reality, the most important thing in life is a good glass of wine and a bloody hunk of steak. This is a very attractive trait to the French!

Dominique de Villepin: The current Prime Minister is Chirac's protégé. Any hopes of running for president were dashed by the people's rejection of his C.P.E. His daughter Marie is a model, and can currently be seen in Givenchy's "Ange ou Démon" perfume ads. Very handsome and distinguished looking; wears really nice suits. I suspect he is no stranger to Botox and weekly mani-pedis.
Conclusion: The most disturbing thing, though, is his permanent tan.

Michèle Alliot-Marie: Sometimes referred to as "MAM". Currently Defense Secrety under Mr. Chirac. May not possess the striking good looks nor the svelte body of Ségo, but would probably have been a much more credible female candidate. Has that no-nonsense mum thing going on - she'll whup your ass if you mess with her! Decided not to run for president and threw her support behind Sarko.
Conclusion: You know Sarko totally has a hitman on his payroll. Why else would MAM and Perma-Tan, known opponents of his, support him?

For a much more serious explanation of the 2007 French elections, wikipedia.com has an excellent page about it here.